Dinner

Tonight at dinner Asher says randomly,

"*Mike's dad is addicted to alcohol and is in jail!"

First reaction? Poor Mike! 
Second reaction?  No one goes to Mike's house!
Third reaction?  Lets talk about drugs, alcohol, and God's commandments again.

*names have been changed ;)

The unknown. Again.

I was almost sure we were going to know where our next move was by now.  It is middle of March and we are still in the dark.
I feel like I was just here. Actually I was.
Drew was 3 days old.  My rental had just sold out from under me. I was homeless. I was touring nasty College rental homes with the after birth marking my path!  I had no clue what we were going to do!  I was anxoius, stressed, emotional, and a basket case. all while trying to care for a newborn (and I high maintanence one at that).  I thought the family would have to move away and leave Derek there. I thought we might have to live in a 2 bedroom small apartment with 4 crazy kids.  Or move back to portland with parents, and again be without my husband.  I was lost and wrestless.  I was a mess.
And here I am again.  Just a year and a half later all these same emotions are back.  The unknown.   The feeling of helplessness.  No stability.  Homeless.

This. Is. My. Life.

I have all these options and outcomes circling in my head.

Should we sell our Vancouver home?
Should be move back into our Vancouver home?
Should we sell and buy another home?
Rent another home?
Can we buy?
Will the rental we are in now sell and we are kicked out AGAIN?
Where will the next job be?
How will it all workout?  Will it workout?
Will we be on the street homeless or be living with parents?
When can I stop moving every year?
Where will my kids go to school?
Can I get a job when we move?
Can we afford to buy and not move again for a while?
When will the moving end?

All these things are in my head taking over every ounce of everything I have left in me.  I know it will all workout in the end, it always does.  I mean, when can we really say "it just didn't workout. I am non existant anymore and near death, pretty much gone." ??? in reality, we are still living on earth, it essentially IS working out, right?  We are eating, breathing, sleeping, and clothed.  What does "it will workout" mean anyway?  yes, I can live with homeless people under the bridge and maybe that is "working out".  But do I want that, NO!

Do you want to know how I think it will workout?  I have not a clue.  And this is my life.

Frozen goat bodies. true story.

Once a hint of Spring shows its pretty face people come out from hiding.  All of a sudden colton's population goes from 0-25 instantly!  Bikes, runners, strollers, kids, bbqs, and teens all outside.  Where were they all winter? 

I made my way over to the Jackson's and got a dose of some social interaction.  How I have missed being human. 
Mrs. Jackson is just too fun to chat with.  We talk on her back porch.  Her chickens are walking freely around, some tripping over little Drew (or should I say Drew tripping over them), her kids are shirtless and doing flips on the 2 huge trampolines she has lined up next to each other.  Bisquit, the dog, is chewing up a box and I am trying to avoid stepping in chicken poop while I reach to keep drew from being pecked to death.
Our conversation went from "which chicken would you kill and eat first in a crises" to Mrs Jackson telling me about a family in town that killed their young goats and froze them in their freezer.  Suddenly my mind jumps to a recent Dateline I saw while running on my treadmill.  She continues to tell me the goats were killed and just stuffed in the freezer whole.  I had to wrap my mind around it. 
"Like bodies in a freezer?"
"yes" she says.
"so they just killed the goats and then put the entire goat in the freezer."
"Oh yes" she says matter of factly.

I think I had a little barf come up in my mouth at that moment.  We both sat in silence and stared at the shirtless country boys bouncing on the tramps.

"so.... how about that trampoline?" I said akwardly. and it ended there.